Following the circumstances that led me to being single, I faced a similar dilemma, not wishing to be alone, but not able to go out and meet people. How can I mix and mingle when mixing and mingling are two of the things I least like to do. Well, said many people, this is the 21st Century and the internet can solve all such problems. So I signed up to two websites, POF and Match. I was on the sites for 18 months and I was never contacted by a single person. This did not do my self-esteem any favours. Now the reasons for not being contacted are many and varied, but I have plenty of time on my hands, so I'm going to go through them ALL.
Firstly, and this one will sound incredibly bitchy, is that dating websites do tend to draw in people who can't get a date. There is profile after profile of people saying "I work in teaching or nursing, and when I am not working, I go out and get blind drunk, I hope to spend as much of my time on holiday as possible, why am I on my own?" furthermore, POF especially is basically free, meaing that it draws in people who don't have to make much of an effort -Picture after picture has an instagram filter and most look like they were taken (and the profile written) while drunk if someone like me doesn't like it, there's plenty more fish in the sea, right?
But that's ok, people are all different, those sort of people are not for me. I am sure there are others... and indeed there are, all saying "always up for a chat" except whenever I send them a message, I have never had a reply, and several have blocked me.
Now, I have been told to overlook such things, and that some people are just some people, and to look elsewhere. But as the saying goes "if you meet one person and they are an arsehole, what an arsehole!, if EVERYONE you meet is an arsehole, YOU are the arsehole". So.. maybe it is me?
But what do I do? If no-one replies, how am I ever supposed to figure out what I am doing wrong. I don't know anything about these people because "if you want to know... just ask" so I'm not going in with much more than "hi there, you look interesting, feel like a chat?"
Just recently after a two year break, I tried again. When I first started I decided to follow the general advice and "just be myself" and "just be honest". I thought the world was quite an accepting place, so I made it plain about who I am. This time I have made sure to make no mention at all, see if it makes a difference.
So I found someone who looked nice, we had similar interests and they looked interesting. They did seem to have a problem with (again because the site is free) abusive emails and such as they said something along the lines of "and don't ask about anything weird" so I decided to say "hey there, I am not weird and would like to chat about things not weird", I got a reply back saying "the fact you had to specify that makes you creepy" and blocked me...
Still, at least it was a reply. I do find being completely ignorred quite shockingly rude. What's wrong with a "thanks but no thanks"?
so by coincidence I found a mention of a site catering for people with Autsim and signed up for it. Hoping that this would be something different. Sadly not, despite bragging about it in the article I read, the actual site had barely any users at all. It only found me one match who... did not reply to me. It did say they had last been online "more than a week ago" but I think that was as high as it went, so maybe they had not been on for years....
there was a forum on the site, in which others too were exasperated by the few users, and one mentioned this site, so here I am now. This site certainly has more users, and above all specifies itself as "dating and friendship" and SURELY people who sign up for such a site would be interesting in talking... right?
Well, I have plenty of matches, but now I cannot see anything saying when they were online. I did see one profile from someone saying "I am 19" but their age was 25. Did they register and last log on six years ago?
Well... I messaged seven people, and none have replied. And so I move here to the forum, to lament all this. I already note the number of people posting here looks to be a select few...
I have not replied to this because I was not particularly proud of my last response. I asked for advice. I was given advice. I didn't like the advice. That's not very grateful of me.
We are bombarded from a young age to "jut be yourself" and what I read was "pretend to be something your not"
This is, of course, a human fallacy. We are not happy with a situation, and are given advice we don't like, so we just keep asking other people until we get an answer we like (usually, "it's all the other person's fault, not you!")
But as I know what I wrote is no good, stubbernly refusing to change it is not going to achieve anything.
this of course still leaves the problem that I have no idea what to put, and I REALLY don't have (m)any photos of myself, I avoid taking them.
I think one idea would be do a complete brain dump and write loads and loads and loads, and then filter and edit it down to what is usable. That's going to be more useful than writing nothing.
Also I wrote an article for a work newsletter a while back, I am going to go find it and copy it here, as it gives more of an idea who I am, also it DOES have a picture of me, so I can upload that too
There's so many people in the world nich, don't worry pal. Get yourself out when your not working, go to local stuff
Thanks for the replies, but they have re-inforced my belief that these sites are no good for me. If people are getting hundreds of messages a week, then they are unlikely to bother messaging anyone themselves. I had niavely assumed that people equally went on the sites looking for someone. This explains why I have never had a sinlge message. However, how am I supposed to compete with hundreds of others? I have been on my own every single day for 11 years and have gone from almost 30 to almost 40. I think it now extremely unlikely I am going to ever meet anyone else. As for my picture, while the comments may be true, that IS what I look like. I have avoided pictures my entire life, so I didn't really have any to use, so I took it especially. That is as good as I get.
I agree, good advice 😊👍
It's frustrating, but try looking at it from the perspective of a woman. Women are in high demand when it comes to online dating, they generally recieve hundreds of messages every week. Many from guys who just want to get off on her. I would say a large percentage of the messages you send don't even get read. They'll be lost amongst all the other clutter in her inbox before she mass deletes them. So don't feel too disheartened because you're not getting responses.
Saying things like "i'm not weird" or "i'm not scary" isn't the way to go. You ARE weird, we are all weird and there is nothing wrong with that. It's all about framing your weirdness in a positive way.
I've only ever seen one picture of you and obviously it's the one on here! You're not a bad looking guy at all. But you need to work on that facial expression. You don't look happy at all. It's very plain looking and your eyes look out of focus, like you're daydreaming and not really in the moment. It's not the type of picture that would draw me in if I was a woman.
Get somebody else to take a picture of you doing something you enjoy. Whether it's something extreme like skydiving or simply sitting at your computer desk working on something that interests you, or perhaps being on your motorbike. Whatever has you smiling naturally. Get somebody to capture the moment and use that as your main profile image on whatever sites you are using.
You're a tall dude with a motorbike. Women dig that. But reading your profile, I can't help thinking that you could sell it much better. Take words like "terrifying", "quiet" and "shy" out of your profile. Replace them with "approachable", "friendly" and "dependable".
You say you have a son? Fantastic! Does he ever come over and stay with you? If so, mention that in your profile as well. It tells her that you're a mature, responsible adult that can be trusted.
You have so much potential, you just need to change the way you come across in your profiles. Be more positive about yourself. You're not "shy". You're the "strong, silent type". Play the game. :-)
Hey nich, I read your blog post. I feel you, I get the same stuff sometimes. You said that somebody said 'I wanna talk about things not weird' then you sent them a message saying hi I'm not weird, I wanna talk about things not weird. That might put some people off, I know it's probably really disheartening but you've just gotta keep going with it. Have you sent many messages to people like that one?