For... perhaps my entire life or at the very least, a huge part childhood - I've been starved of physical and emotional intimacy, the idea of a steady relationship with a complementary person, both terrifies me and fascinates in equally measures. I've become something of a contradictive person, I know how to interact with people in a professional and basic manner, I know where the line is drawn and do my best not step over it, despite this or maybe because of this - I in most cases come across as an utterly uninteresting individual devoid of the most basic stereotyped aspergic personality traits, an autistic actor pretending to be something, he isn't. Someone who wants to have the best of both worlds, with the ability to be perceived as a so called normal person, whilst having the autism card there for emergencies... I pull and push people towards and away from me - when I reflect on my uncomfortable personal circumstances and general lack of direction in my life... In the process, I end up hurting myself aswell as those around me... Truly a hedgehog's dilemma, so how do I fix this?
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Posted by backroommushroom
A late response but I really want to answer this, it speaks to me. The problem looks very close to what I'm struggling with. Finding a complementary person is really hard but it's possible. But it only becomes possible if you know yourself. This however is a tough task. You got to listen to yourself very carefully: find out what angers you, what dissapoints you, remember what made you excited in childhood before you realised you are "weird", remember what your favourite color is, etc. I'm not even talking about autistic traits, I'm talking about personality in general, because these little things can hide under "social acceptance" (like if a male person loved the color pink but doesn't anymore because it's "girly", etc) In fact, if you "set yourself free" and accept the traits and interests you have, this will make you feel so, so much better. And also this will draw people you really need in your life towards you. Being open about your true identity is very important in finding people. And those people who leave or boycott you... well, you aren't responsible for that, and they are doing you a good thing by leaving before something bad happened between you. It's very important to find your niche and not trying to appeal to everyone. And also. Normal people do not exist (try googling "norma statue" for an upsetting story about this). If person aggresively attacks your individuality, they got some serious issies with confidence (they probably think of themselves as weird and try to bring you down for purposes of ego). This realisation helped me stand against social anxiety.