What is Self-Sabotaging?

Self-sabotaging in relationships often involve behaviours which may be conscious or unconscious which serve to undermine or harm a relationship potentially leading to a break up. 

These undesirable behaviours usually stem from underlying fears, negative past experiences, insecurities and unresolved emotional wounds. 

Here's a more detailed explanation

Definition: Self-sabotaging relationships occur when unhealed and unhealthy individuals engage in behaviours that, either consciously or unconsciously, contribute to straining or ending the relationship.

Underlying Causes: These behaviours often stem from deep-seated fears, insecurities or unresolved emotional wounds from negative past experiences and broken relationships, etc.

Examples of Behaviors

Pushing the partner away: This can manifest as avoiding intimacy, withdrawing emotionally and mentally, and/or creating or prolonging unnecessary conflict.

The push and pull cycle: This is where the self-sabotager pushes their partner away and then pulls them back in only to repeat this unhealthy and painful cycle time and time again until the relationship eventually breaks down completely.

Creating and/or prolonging conflict: Starting or engaging in arguments, being overly critical, being hurtful on purpose, or holding grudges. 

Lack of effective communication: Avoiding open, honest, transparent and effective communication, or engaging in passive-aggressive behaviour usually out of fear.

Unrealistic and unreasonable expectations: Holding a partner to an impossible standard, or expecting them to read your mind or be a certain way, etc.

Gaslighting: Denying or minimizing a partner's and/or even their own feelings or experiences.

Infidelity: In some cases the self-sabotager may be unfaithful to their partner.

Avoidance: Making weak excuses to get out of participating in difficult conversations or situations if not avoiding them altogether usually out of fear.

Why it happens?

Fear of vulnerability: Some people have a profound fear of being hurt or rejected, so they push people away before they can be hurt, and they're often quite guarded which also contributes to relationship issues.

Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may unconsciously or sometimes consciously sabotage relationships or potential connections to avoid the possibility of heartache, disappointment, other setbacks or failure because they think they're unworthy.

Past experiences: Negative experiences in past relationships can most certainly lead to mistrust and great difficulty in forming happier and healthier attachments in the future. 

Attachment styles: Certain attachment styles, such as the avoidant or anxious attachment styles can and often do contribute to self-sabotaging behaviours and problematic relationship dynamics.

Mental illness: Certain mental health conditions especially if untreated can and do lead to self-sabotaging behaviours, and can sometimes contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Disabilities: Certain disabilities particularly people who have a disability that results in significant social and communication deficits and/or the person experiences notable behavioural issues which can sometimes cause harm to their relationships.

Consequences

Self-sabotaging behaviors can lead to the following.

🔴 Strained or broken friendships or relationship

🟠 Emotional distress, heartache and unhappiness.

🟡 Feelings of shame, guilt and regret.

🟢 Difficulty forming happy and healthy relationships in the future. 

🔵 Ongoing self-esteem issues and/or a growing lack of motivation to try again.

🟣 Ostracism by others which is often painful.

How to stop!

Self-awareness: Stepping back and recognizing the destructive patterns of self-sabotaging behaviours is the first step towards enjoying healthier connections in the future.

Therapy: Seeking professional help from a psychologist, therapist or counsellor can definitely provide the much needed tools and strategies to address any and all underlying causes and develop healthier relationship skills. 

Prayer: If the self-sabotager is a person of faith then praying, meditating and/or seeking pastoral care and counsel from a religious leader may help them in the journey of recovering from self-destructive behaviour and mindsets.

Communication: Open, honest, transparent, regular and effective communication with a partner can help to identify and address the key issues in order to heal and get back on track to enjoy a healthier and happier relationship.

Self-compassion: Practicing self-compassion and understanding can go towards help individuals overcome negative and limiting self-beliefs.